The Pressures of Fatherhood

Genesis 48:1-11

There is a Father's Day card that reads, "Dad, everything I ever learned I learned from you, except one thing. The family car really will do 110."

It is stressful being a father in the 21^st century. Some of us have jobs that require a lot more than 40 hours per week at work. We feel guilty that we don't spend enough time with our kids. Then there are so many pressures on our kids that we worry about how they are going to handle them all - temptations to take drugs, to drink, to have pre-marital sex or just to hang out with the wrong crowd. When asked how he would handle his 12-year-old daughter's future boyfriends, NBA hall-of-famer Charles Barkley responded, "I figure if I kill the first one, word will get out."

How do you handle the pressures of fatherhood today? With a little violence, maybe a little humor? I want to take a look with you today at some of the pressures of fatherhood that transcend time and culture. I want us to take a look together at some pressures that a biblical father faced and how he handled them. The father's name is Jacob, and his story is told throughout the second half of the book of Genesis. I want to take you first to a scene from the end of Jacob's life, in Genesis 48:1-11. Then we will consider Jacob's earlier life from that vantage point. Hear the Word of God:

The first pressure of fatherhood that Jacob faced was the pressure of perfectionism. As Jacob approached the end of his life and sought to bless his children and grandchildren, he recalled how the Lord had appeared to him at Luz, otherwise known as Bethel. And why was Jacob in Bethel? Why was he sleeping out in the desert with a stone for his pillow? Because he was running from his brother Esau who was ready to kill him. And why was Esau seeking to kill Jacob? Because Jacob had tricked Esau out of his birthright and his blessing from Isaac.

Jacob tricked Esau out of his birthright when he was cooking some stew one day. Esau came in from a day of hunting and he was hungry. He said to Jacob, "Quick, let me have some of that red stew! I'm famished!" And Jacob replied, "First sell me your birthright." "Look, I am about to die," Esau said, "What good is the birthright to me?" But Jacob said, "Swear to me first." So Esau swore an oath to Jacob, selling him his birthright.

Some time later Jacob cheated Esau again, this time out of his inheritance. It was custom that the older son would receive a double portion of the father's estate when the father died. So Jacob, with his mom's help, disguised himself as Esau and tricked his father into blessing him with the double portion. That would be the same as signing a will under duress today.

When Esau learned about Jacob's second trick he vowed that he would kill his brother once Isaac died, so that he could get his inheritance back. So when Isaac died, Jacob fled for his life.

So Jacob did not have a perfect reputation, and his own sons knew it. Eugene Peterson writes, "A search of Scripture turns up one rather surprising truth: there are no exemplary families. Not a single family is portrayed in Scripture in such a way as to evoke admiration in us. There are many family stories, there is considerable reference to family life, and there is sound counsel to guide the growth of families, but not a single model family for anyone to look up to in either awe or envy."

Jacob's reputation in the land of Canaan was one of a schemer, a con man, somebody not to be trusted. That's the kind of reputation most fathers want to prevent their children from learning about. But apparently Jacob did not try to hide his reputation from his children. He didn't try to make out like he was perfect when he wasn't. I define perfectionism as the attempt to be perfect or maintain that you are perfect apart from Christ's work in your life. None of us are perfect in this life. 1 John 1:8 says, "If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us." And none of us will ever become perfect apart from Jesus. For Jesus said, "Apart from me you can do nothing." (John 15:5)

So dads, take a cue from Jacob. If you have messed up in life, and all of us have, don't try to cover it up, hoping your kids will never find out. Because one day your kids will discover your imperfections.

What was it that kept Jacob from pursuing perfectionism apart from God? It was his encounter with God at Bethel. For it was at Bethel that God appeared to Jacob and said, "I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you." (Genesis 28:15) It was Jacob's experience of grace that helped him handle the pressure of perfectionism.

I'm glad that my own dad never tried to cover up his past. When we were old enough to understand he freely told each of us, his kids, all about his times working in organized crime, and all about many of the other sins of his youth. I heard my dad tell his story many times to many different groups of people. It was always interesting to me how young people were always more fascinated with my father's former life of crime than they were fascinated with how God changed his life. To me, the way God changed my dad's life was the more fascinating and wonderful truth. I would not see the truth of God's grace quite so clearly if my dad had tried to cover up his own imperfections.

And you know, the pressure of perfectionism cuts another way too. Some of us are so perfectionistic in our own standards, we are so unrealistic, that we have a hard time forgiving our own fathers for their mistakes and sins. Most of us know something about our fathers that was or is imperfect. Sons and daughters of famous people make big bucks writing tell-all biographies about their parents' sins and peccadillos. Maybe when you first discovered some of your father's sins you were disillusioned. But remember, there are no perfect fathers anywhere. Don't have an unrealistic standard. Be forgiving of your own father's sins. We say in the Lord's Prayer: "Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors." which means that God will only forgive us our sins if we forgive those who have sinned against us. Proverbs 19:11 says, "A man's wisdom gives him patience. It is to his glory to overlook an offense."

Furthermore dads, don't be afraid to ask your own children to forgive you when you sin against them. Our tendency to perfectionism often keeps us from asking for forgiveness from our children. We are afraid that our authority will be lessened in their eyes if they know that we know we have blown it. But actually, the reverse is true. If when we sin against our children, and we all do, we ask them to forgive us, and we seek to change, our kids' respect for us will go way up.

I have often told the story of how my dad got really mad at me one day when I was 10 years old. He was trying to teach me how to act properly at the dinner table. My parents were about to take me on a trip to Europe with them and my dad wanted to make sure I knew how to act in a fine restaurant. But I just wasn't getting it, so finally my dad blew up at me. I went to my room in tears. But later on that night, when my parents were getting ready to go to bed, I heard a knock on my bedroom door. The door opened and my dad was standing there in his underwear, ready for bed. He was the picture of vulnerability. And he said to me, "I'm sorry for yelling at you. Please forgive me. I would be proud to take you to Europe with us this summer." That one act on my father's part probably taught me as much about God's grace as anything else he ever did for me.

Now just because we can't be perfect in this life, that doesn't mean we shouldn't pursue excellence by God's grace and power. We don't have to repeat the offenses of our own fathers. By God's grace we can choose to chart a different path. For instance, I choose to be more openly affectionate and involved in my boys' lives than my father ever was with me. I give my boys hugs and kisses quite often. I try to make it to as many of their games and school programs as I can.

You don't have to be like your dad in the negative ways. In Christ you can break the cycle of certain sins that may have been passed on for generations from father to son. You can learn from your dad's mistakes and chart a different course. But as you do that, don't do it in a prideful way. Be forgiving of your own father's inadequacies, and trust in Christ alone to help you to be a different kind of dad.

The second pressure of fatherhood that we see in Jacob's life is the pressure of provision. After Jacob fled to the ancestral home of his mother, Rebecca, we read that he "grew exceedingly prosperous and came to own large flocks, and maidservants and menservants, and camels and donkeys."

Many fathers today feel tremendous pressure to provide adequately for their families. With the constantly shifting nature of our economy today, many fathers aren't always sure of keeping the jobs that they have. There is constant temptation to the feeling of insecurity. And in wealthy communities there is also the temptation to keep up with the Joneses. We want our kids to have the best of everything, materially speaking. And so as dads we get caught up in working more and more hours to provide more and more for our families. But through that process our families have less and less of quality and quantity time with us.

How should we as dads handle the pressures of provision? I can tell you how Jacob handled those pressures. As a result of his encounter with God at Bethel, Jacob promised God he would give back to him a tenth, a tithe, of all that he made. He vowed, "If God will be with me and will watch over me on this journey I am taking and will give me food to eat and clothes to wear so that I return safely to my father's house, then the Lord will be my God and this stone that I have set up as a pillar will be God's house, and of all that you give me I will give you a tenth." (Genesis 28:20-22)

Giving back to God out of what he has given to us is a wonderful way to get free of the pressure of provision. You say, "How is that? How does giving money away free you from the pressure of provision. It sounds to me like that will just make things tighter, resulting in more worry on my part." Yes, giving to God does mean having to live on less. But it can also mean living without financial worry. Do you know what the Lord promises to those who put his kingdom first? "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." (Matthew 6:33) Jesus promises that if we make God's kingdom and his righteousness our first priority, then he will take care of all our needs. "All these things" refers to food, shelter, clothing, all the basics that we need, God will take care of those if we take care to put him first in our lives. That's a promise you can go to the bank on.

Becky and I are not perfect in our giving to the Lord and his work, but we have tried, by God's grace to put him first in our lives. And even though we have often failed, God in his grace has still taken care of us and our family. We have given to the Lord's work over the years, and we have never lacked for God's supply. That's a tremendous blessing; I don't have to worry about providing for my family. Yes, I need to work and be responsible and provide for my wife and children as God has called me to do. But I don't have to worry about it. I don't have to wonder if they will have enough because God has promised to add all these things unto us. I know that my family is going to be taken care of, no matter what, because God is faithful.

The third pressure that Jacob faced as a father was the pressure of positive impact. Jacob tried to be a spiritual leader in his home even though he was imperfect. As we have read this morning in Genesis 48, as Jacob approached the end of his life, he blessed each of his sons and grandsons individually.

Blessing your children, having a positive impact upon each of them, is not something you have to wait until the end of your life to do. It is something you can start doing right now dads.

Gary Smalley and John Trent, in their book - The Blessing, present us with five practical ways to pass a blessing on to our children. The first way is through meaningful touch. When Joseph brought his sons close to Jacob for the blessing, Jacob "kissed them and embraced them." (Genesis 48:10) Jesus did the same when children were brought to him for a blessing. We read that "he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them." (Mark 10:16)

Giving our kids hugs, touches, kisses, back rubs, are all wonderful ways that we as dads can communicate our blessing to them. I give my boys "zerberts" every night when we tuck them into bed. You know what a "zerbert" is, don't you? It's a kiss that makes that "zerbert" sound; and it's really wet. But I have to be careful if I try to give my oldest son a "zerbert", because he is almost to the point where he can win a wrestling match with me! But our kids never get so old that they don't need a meaningful touch from dad.

Remember the story of the prodigal son? How did that father express his blessing when the son came home from the far country? While his son was still a long way off, the father saw him, ran to him, embraced him, and kissed him. Even adult sons need a meaningful touch from Dad to let them know they are loved and welcome to come home any time.

A second practical way that Smalley and Trent say you can pass on a blessing to your kids is through spoken words. One of the definitions of the word "to bless" is - "To speak well of." Kids long to hear their dads say, "I'm proud of you." "You've done that well." "I love you."

Baseball great Cal Ripken, Jr. has written, "Growing up, ?I love you' wasn't spread around too much in our household. Not that it wasn't meant. I could tell every time my dad told me he loved me without saying it. It's just the way things were then.

"That part is different in my family. I want my kids to hear it. I tell them, ?I love you no matter what,' which means, ?Whether you're good or bad, happy or sad. It doesn't matter whatever you are. I love you. Unconditionally. Always.' It all goes back to security and telling them you'll always be there for them. Maybe you run the risk of telling them you love them so often that it loses meaning. I'll risk it."

A third way that dads can pass on a blessing to their kids is by expressing high value. How do we let our kids know that we value them? By sacrificing time for them. By looking them in the eye when we talk to them. By listening to them and taking the time to remember little things they tell us.

Boswell, the famous biographer of Samuel Johnson, often referred to a special day in his childhood when his father took him fishing. The day was fixed in his mind, and he often reflected upon many things his father taught him in the course of their day of fishing together.

After having heard of this particular excursion so often in the writings of Boswell, it occurred to someone much later to check the journal that Boswell's father kept and find out what had been said about the fishing trip from a parental perspective. Turning to the correct date, the reader found only one sentence entered: "Gone fishing today with my son; a day wasted."

A day given to our children is never wasted. Giving them quantity as well as quality time is one of the key ways that we express how valuable they are to us.

A fourth way to pass on a blessing to our kids is to picture a special future for them. Jacob did this when he blessed each of his children. My father did this for me. He really made me believe that I could accomplish anything with my life that I set out to do.

A fifth way to pass on a blessing to your kids is by an active commitment. Not only did my dad picture a positive future for me, he tried to provide whatever resources I needed to help me step into that future. It is not enough just to speak words of blessing. As dads we must be willing to sacrifice for our children, pray for them, spend time helping them develop their gifts, and spend money for training they may need.

Now you may be saying to yourself, "I could never be a dad like that!" Well, let me remind you of what I said at the beginning, that is that there are no perfect dads. But even though you are not perfect I bet you would be willing to do for your child what the dad in the following true story did.

A group of fishermen had landed in a secluded bay in Alaska and had a great day of fishing for salmon. But when they returned to their sea plane, they were surprised to discover that it was aground because of the fluctuating tides. They had no option except to wait until the next morning when the tide came in. But when they took off the next morning they only got a few feet off the ground and came crashing down into the sea. Being aground the day before had punctured one of the pontoons, and it had filled up with water.

The sea plane slowly began to sink. There were three men on board along with the 12 year old son of one of them. The men prayed, then they jumped into the icy cold waters to swim to shore. The water was not only cold, but the riptide was strong, and two of the men reached the shore exhausted. They looked back, and their companion, who was also a strong swimmer, did not swim to shore because his 12-year-old son Mark wasn't strong enough to make it. They saw that father with his arms around his son being swept out to sea. He chose to die with his son rather than to live without him.

There is a fact of life that most kids don't realize about their dads. That is that we love our children so much - we would die for them. If I were to ask every father in this room to stand up who would do the same thing for his son or daughter, I dare say every father would leap to his feet.

And you know what? Even though you are not a perfect dad, you have a perfect dad in heaven. And he sent his perfect Son to die for you, because he would rather give up his life for you than to live without you. His Son died to pay the penalty for every sin you have committed, not only as a father, but as a man. And if you accept that Son, Jesus Christ into your life - he will not only make you the best father you can be, he will make you the best man you can be.